need another drink. this is the easiest way
no, he came in my armpit
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
