this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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