I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
