tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
