Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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