Can i not drive my cunt home
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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