i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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