Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
