he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
