This is not my ceiling
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
