it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
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Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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