Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
