i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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