I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
it's like heaven, but drunker
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
