i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
