the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
