We're facebook friends in real life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
