he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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