: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
