I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
