well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I want a musical about memes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
