uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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