you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i think i just lost a toe
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize