it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
