If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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