So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
