Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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