You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
