I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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