who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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