the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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