You made me cry and you don't even care
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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