I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
