I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
