Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I did not marry a roomba.
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