Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
