Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't turn off my feet"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
