You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
