Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
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I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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