mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
