He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
