it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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