The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
