Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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