I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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