i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
this hospital has no fireball
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
