You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
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I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
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Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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