I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
