Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
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You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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