I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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