i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
