when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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