If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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