I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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