My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
