Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
