So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
