We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dicks are not precious.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
